Bakery, Barbells and Bargains I own a bakery, and I like to lift weights and shop

November 7, 2017

A 2017 Guide to Birthday Parties

Filed under: Just for Fun,Mommy Life — shuss @ 4:51 pm

Your daughter’s birthday is in 6 months and she will be anywhere between 1 – 18 years old, this is a huge deal people!  Start asking them what kind of party she would like to have.  Silently cringe inside as she suggest tacky themes and gently work to change their mind to the classy ballerina theme you saw on Pinterest.  Start a Pinterest board to organize your ideas  Next, pick a party date that accommodates the schedules of all grandparents, aunts, uncles and your childless friends from college.  You do not want anyone to miss this event. Go to a photo site and design a custom photo invitation.  Agonize over which photos to pick and wording.  You want this to look good but you do not want to look like you are trying too hard, spend $35 on invites.  This reminds you, you need to research photographers and book a yearly photo shoot.  If your child is turning one, it is an absolute requirement that you book a cake smash session…..oh, better find a baker…..

Research cakes on Pinterest and send your favorite photos to bakers to get prices.  Your favorite cake photo is a four tier cake made from four different flavors of cake and filled with organic white chocolate gnache with real vanilla beans and the tears of teddy bears.  The tiers are completely coated in gold and pink edible glitter and the bottom tier needs to be wearing an edible tutu made from spun sugar.  The top tier has a sparkly edible tiara and a monogram on the side.  You need for this cake to feed 16 people. Have a slight heart attack when the bakery sends you a quote of $5,000.   Reduce the cake to 2 layers and add 2 dozen half gluten free, half vegan cupcakes to the order.  Spend $800

Order child a custom tutu and shirt, this is important.  The shirt will need to have an applique to match the party theme, their age and a monogram.  Do not forget to order a hair bow like McKinsLee-Kate’s mom did last week, that poor child’s hair was a mess for her entire party.

In the months leading up to the party, scroll through your 10,000 birthday pins on your Pinterest “party decorations” board and pick your favorites.  Spend the next weeks going to craft stores and making rustic-chic ballet decorations.  You will need a photo booth background with props, tulle for tutu table cloths, a gold cake stand, glass cookie jars, gold table sparkles, glass drink dispensers, supplies for a custom pin the tail on the donkey game, and lots of pink tissue paper for paper flowers.  Head over to Target for paper goods and candles; stay in the store for 3 hours.  While there pick up yourself a sassy t-shirt, yoga pants, a t-shirt dress, eyeliner, shampoo, laundry detergent, photo frames, new toothbrushes and a new rug.  Swipe your RedCard quickly and don’t look at the total, grab a coconut milk cold brew from Starbucks on the way out.  Drive back 30 mins later to get forgotten candles.

The week of the party head to Whole Foods and pick food to accommodate all guests’ favorites and dietary restrictions.  Present the food as themed as possible.  Read labels to make sure the meatballs are sourced from local grass-fed beef and only get organic cheese cubes. After gum was found stuck to your couch last year, decide against the candy buffet this year.  Instead, you will offer a cookie buffet complete with ballet shoe shaped cookies, email bakery to add cookies to your cake order.  On the way out of the store, pick up a yogurt protein smoothie to drink on the way home and some riced cauliflower for dinner.  Spend $190 at the grocery store and add $250 to your cake bill for custom cookies.

Day Before the Party.  Clean your house from top to bottom and make sure everyone will be able to notice the new ship lap and farmhouse decor in your living room.  Hang decorations and set up perfectly decorated tables for gifts, food and drinks.  Try to decide if you want to put a pink table cloth over your new rustic farmhouse table or leave it exposed to be admired by the other moms.  Fill white paper treat bags with sensible small wooden toys made by Amish grandmothers, seal bags with custom monogrammed stickers.  Arrange food platters to perfection and store in the fridge.

The day of the party, set-up cookie buffet with a dispenser of organic milk and pink to-go boxes.  You do not need these kids eating all that sugar in your house, they can take those cookies home.   Set out food with cute labels and line the driveway and sidewalk with balloons.  Place the photo booth in the foyer so guest can take photos as they come in.  Take photos of all your work and post to Instagram.

Children will arrive along with their parents who will stay.  You are so not comfortable watching all these kids yourself, especially after Ainsley-Jude had an allergic reaction to rice cakes at a party last year.  The parents want to stay anyways, you can never be too careful with who you drop your children off with, EVER.  Take tons of photos and selfies with your fellow mom friends to post to Instagram later.  Turn on some kid friendly tunes that adults can tolerate and announce the party is starting.

It is time to eat, kids want everything on their plate except the veggies and take about three bites total. Half the parents partake in the finger foods while the other half sip on the vegan organic paleo protein shakes they brought from home.  Finally, the kids retreat to watch the birthday girl open presents then head back to the kitchen for birthday cake.  Exactly one child will eat all of their cake and the rest will just eat the frosting before returning to play.  Two adults will have a slice of cake and the rest will ask for just a “tiny slice.”  While kids play, chat with other moms about Zumba and how much you all adore Joanna Gaines.  Once everyone leaves, you have 2 large tiers of cake leftover and enough food to feed the Duggars.  Clean the kitchen with organic cleaner for granite and start thinking of new ideas for next year’s party.

Realize you forgot to hand out the treat bags.



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